I wake up, and it is morning. I think, It’s always hard to masturbate. I see my penis, erect, covered by layers of cloth. It is morning, and it is cold. Beside me, a space, covered by layers of cloth.
I think, It’s always hard to masturbate, and yet, it’s easy to ejaculate. I remember, every midnight, women of the moon descend and help me ejaculate. Semen would spurt and then flow from the tip of my penis like how the women would flow skyward, unfailing, back to the moon, and then my eyes would droop.
Then I would wake up, and it would be morning. I would think, It’s always hard to masturbate. Beside me would be a space, the bed sheet’s creases like mountain ranges on the surface of the moon.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
On Masturbation
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6 comments:
but a few quick comments:
"When it is midnight, I remember, women of the moon descend and help me ejaculate."
I think the tense consistency should be fixed?
"Semen would spurt and then flow from the tip of my penis like how the women would flow skyward..."
Have you considered using a metaphor here instead? It would flow better, in my opinion. Actually, for the last sentence too.
And I get the vibe from the usage of 'spaces' that the piece is focusing on emptiness, that the persona is asking something of the moon because of those 'spaces'.
If I'm right then I wish those spaces looked emptier, maybe it's something you can expound on?
Either way, gusto ko 'yung project! Would it be out of place to mention the sweet, sweet smell of semen? :D haha
Salamat sa comments. I tried to drop the simile in the last line, but figured that I think it best to retain something tangible, something like: sheets.
As for the climax, I will replace the simile with a simultaneous event.
If I may say so, this is an 'ejaculatory' piece. Spurt of the moment. Hahaha tangina.
And it wouldn't be out of place to mention the smell of creativity. :))
Pepitz! great idea. I absolutely love the first line, I wake up, and it is morning. I think, It’s always hard to masturbate. It draws people in right away and the entire premise is placed really creatively. :)) (I have to admit,it was sort of hard trying to distance the author from the prose, akekeke *computer crash*)
I have a few problems with the second paragraph but I really can't justify it as well as I'd like. a bit of it just sounds awkward, the tenses. And maybe I'm too dumb so I'm not sure if I get it. Women of the moon. I'm thinking the women in your dreams, and I slightly think of succubi here. :)) the moon is sooo feminine and.. err. mystical. err. maybe im overreading now.
I think the best part is the last paragraph because you reiterated two elements you've used earlier. The first line, rephrased; and the sheets-- which is great for a last say. <3
"Sweet, sweet smell of semen," Gian? Dude, that's so gay. :)) Especially if you place it in the poem. Or . . . . . . . . . . . do men really pay attention to the smell of their semen? o_o (And, wait. I don't remember any smell.) Either way, I don't think it would contribute much to this poem. It needs an OVERHAUL, first. Ask me about this in person. (Preferably with a printout that I can refer to, mark, and rip to pieces. Just kidding.)
Pepito -- it was actually the last line, that simile, that saved this piece. In my eyes at least. See, using the space beside you in bed to connote loss / absence is already too commonplace / uninspired / cliche. But comparing the "creases" to "mountain ranges on the surface of the moon" adds another dimension to it. It resonates the use of the moon from the second paragraph; also, it says something about the depth or gravity of the grief or loss. Bale, hindi lang sila "creases," because if they're like the "mountains" on the moon, the spaces between them are as deep and as distant, as mysterious and as despairing, as the chasms between the mountain ranges on the moon. Kumbaga, imbis na the space beside you in bed yung image of loss, naging yung space between the creases in the cloth, which I think is wholly more creative. Think outlines of sadness.
Pero, gaya nga ng sinabi ko, may problema 'tong tula.
Hi April, salamat sa handful of dust. :)
Pag-iisipan ko muna ito bago ko ipagahasa sa iyo.
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